Becoming

     At some point, depression becomes a part of you.  It's not a disorder, it's not an abnormal state of being.  It's who you are.  It is all-encompassing.  It's affected every decision you've ever made.  It is an integral part of your character.  To be sad, to live without self-regard, to hate yourself.  

     The process takes years.  You wouldn't even notice it.  You think it's normal - after all, you've got no frame of reference to say otherwise.  Really, you're growing up - you've never done that before.  It's not something you can compare objectively.  Plus, everyone feels weird growing up, that's just part of the process.  How would you know that you're different?  How would you know that it's supposed to pass eventually?  You wouldn't.  You roll with it.  You deal with it.  You let it take over.  

     When it's too late, you'll start to see signs.  You'll notice, once everyone else starts to settle, that you haven't changed.  The weirdness passes, except for in your case.  Something's wrong.  But it's already too late.  You are who you are.  

     You've been condemned.  It's a life-sentence.  So you deal with it as you always have.  You suck it up, beat up on yourself, and force yourself to continue.  It's miserable and, unlike before, you know there's no end to it.  It will continue forever.  But there's no alternative.  You have no choice.